A live(ish) movie Review

Okay, I'm sitting here, and apparently I'm about to watch Twilight the whole way through for the first time. Ugh. Oh hey, maybe you should watch while reading this, it'll be like watching with me so I never have to do it again. Enjoy my breakdown!

Okay, so we're in the cafeteria like 11 mins in, let's go.

11 mins, so far, a girl is getting swarmed and should be perfectly fucking happy, but is all "ugh, I'm depressed, I wanna hang out with the pale kids."

Oh look, Anna Kendrick, she's kinda hot.

Lol a fan joke, way to lighten the mood in the weird town. And Edward Cullen has wings, like an angel, give me a fucking break.

00:14 What?! Blue and orange together?! What are they trying to make out this school to be?!

Everyone knows her, I get the fucking point, this broken tension is already pissing me off!

Oh, okay, she likes her mum, that's something at least. Spoilt brat. Oh, nevermind. More avoidance.

00:15 Internal monologues! This is amazing...Wait, so the pale kids drive trucks and the popularish kids who like her are hippies? What the fuck is this?

00:16 Oh cool, some action, some motherfucker's being killed by...things. WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THAT POLICE CAR?! THIS ISN'T FUCKING METROPOLIS?

00:17 She slipped on ice, lol. Oh wait, I should concentrate on media things.

Think, you did media lessons.

00:18 Sexy lip bite...oh hey the pale kid's back, he's called Edward or something. OH HEY MITOSIS, I KNOW ABOUT THAT SHIT! Oh never mind, they're talking like awkward freaks again...another sexy lip bite.

Oh yeah.

00:20 Shouting at television, arguing with mother who demands to see this film. Not sure how much longer I can take.

00:21 "It's metaphase, wanna check it?" He's pulled.

00:22 WALK AWAY IN ANGST YOU FREAK!

00:23 WHY DID YOU SAVE HER? YOU COULD HAVE DONE THE WORLD A FAVOUR AND ENDED THIS THING IN 23 MINS YOU FREAK!

I think I'm already showing signs of a breakdown.

00:24 This is the coolest doctor I've ever seen, I want to be like that. Things are kinda bluey, that probably signifies that the town is...underwater? NO, IT'S DEPRESSING! Scored.

Oh god, how much more awkward conversation do we have to take? Is this supposed to be some kind of sexual tension or fucking what?! Is this appealing to teen girls in America?! I think...I think I'm gonna cry

00:27 She'd be pretty sexy if she wasn't such a spoilt little bitch.

00:28 A garden centre, this signifies something. He said hi, what an angsty freak.

00:29 The cat turned the television over! Freedom!!! Damn, mum turned it over.

00:30 Yeah Edward, why didn't you let the van crush her and save us from this horror? You're the real fucking antagonist here. OH BURN, YOUR DAD HE SAID YOUR MUM'S HAPPY WITHOUT YOU!

00:31 "Your mood swings are giving me whiplash" Pretty good for a bitch. LOOK AT HIS FANGS YOU STUPID COW! HE'S A FUCKING VAMPIRE. Oh cool, flags on the wall of places I've never heard of, probably signifies that they're in the middle of nowhere, or something.

00:33 Anna Kendrick in a wetsuit. I'd zip her up. The hippies are dissing the pale kids, maybe they should have a dance off.

00:34 Jacob is talking about wolves, what a freak. Cullens are vampires, word. Treaty, blah blah blah, history that I don't care about and doesn't really make any impact on the film.

00:35 everything's so drab, some boat motherfucker's about to die. Not like he's got anything to do with the story at all. Bad blurring effects are perfect for werewolves!

00:37 google plug! Good job with your shameless self promotion. Oh hai Anna.

00:38 shaky camera, like homevideo! Wait, the shop is across the road from the school?! HAVE THEY NOT FUCKING HEARD OF THE INTERNET?!

00:40 Stalkers, is that Jack Black? Car storms in, pale kid gets out. He can do a handbreak turn, what a hero!

00:41 Is he crying? Oh, hey Anna.

00:42 Mother asks if this film gets better at any point. We could be watching The Boat that Rocked right now, with Bill Nighy

00:43 More awkward conversation. Just kill me now. HE'S A FUCKING STALKER, FIGURE IT OUT! BITE YOUR LIP SOME MORE! Now he can read minds, because all vampires can do that. He can't read her mind, because there's nothing there to read. Can we end the film yet?

00:45 Sweeping car shot! Because if you move a camera in the opposite direction to the car, you don't have to drive as fast!

00:46 Flashback, it was Edward all along!

00:48 Wait, why did she buy that book, are there no libraries where they are? And she looked on the internet to get a book to find more things to look up on the internet? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING NARRATIVE?! Seriously.

00:49 Honestly, I can't look at him without thinking of Jedward.

00:50 What do you fucking mean he doesn't go out in the sunlight?! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE STANDING IN?!

00:51 that was the worst rotating shot thing I've ever seen. Please kill her.

00:53 Oh hey, suddenly he's sparkling, what a twist. Cue more angst and shite effects to prove he's a vampire.

00:54 PLEASE KILL HER! PLEASE! Pale kid compares blood to heroin.

00:55 Will you just kill her and/or have sex with her already? Preferably the first, she hasn't bitten her lip in ages.

00:56 Ugh, I need to learn some media so I can complain about this awful camera work while naming it.

00:57 Maybe he should just wipe the glitter off of his face. New internal monologue, like this is a detective movie where you haven't figured it all out already.

00:58 Lip bite! He actually looks alright in those sunglasses.

00:59 More history, with bad sepia effects.

01:00 I can't actually believe I've made it this far. He spoke about killing her, awkward. And the killings were actually done by other vampires, those bastards.

01:03 Oh of course, all vampires are ludicrously rich, how silly of me.

01:05 Family troubles, just like a good american sitcom.

01:07 he took you to his room, he wants to sex you. Talking about music, like a regular couple, how cute. Bite your lip!

01:08 LOL WHAT AMAZING WIRE EFFECTS!

01:10, please can we turn this off...He can play the piano too, who doesn't love this guy. That shot was better than Ghost.

01:12 Maybe she should take meat, if you know what I mean. I'm actually beginning to fear how anticlimatic this film is going to be.

01:13 Mum's back, I forgot about her, never mind, the pale kid interupted her.

01:14 He likes watching her sleep, I've been waiting for that line for 74 minutes, what a freak.

01:15 Can they kiss? Tune in next week to find out! To be honest, I'd rather she bit her own lip. And I'd rather he killed her.

01:16 bed montage! Vampire ponders how human sleeps! How cute!

01:17 She didn't even open the door to let him in! Argh! Fuck this film.

Oh and the green stuff was pepper spray.

01:18 Baseball...and Muse?! Hey that Alice girl is pretty sexy. Lift those legs girl! The baseball idea is forgiven.

Easily my favourite shot in the entire film.

01:20 the bad guys arrive with a guitar riff in tow! Obviously they walk in slow motion too.

01:22 Oh, nevermind, they just wanted to play baseball, hooray!

01:23 Quick! Everyone stand like stereotypical vampires! Alice, put your legs out some more!

01:24 He's gonna kill someone and it isn't her, for fuck's sake.

01:26 come on dad, here's your chance to ditch the spoilt bitch

01:27 I guess at least their conversation is less awkward...He seems more chilled, lol get it?

01:28 The bad vampire is actually good, it's just his homeboy who's evil.

01:29 More family tension, more of Alice's legs. Stop whining and bite your lip!

01:32 The super detective vampire finally figured it out. And he kidnapped mum, nice one.

BREAK TIME: Fucking finally, this is painful. I need to check how long this post is. Kinda long, oh well. I should add some pictures of Anna or the lip bite or Alice's legs.

01:34 Maybe they're gonna have a dance off. This doesn't look much like a dance studio.

01:36 Yeah that's right, beat her up some, but let the pale kid kill her. Speak of the devil.

01:37 This fight scene is awful, I'm kind of expecting some badly dubbed Dialogue.

01:38 Alice is back, with those legs.

01:39 Moral choices! More of Alice's legs.

01:40 Please kill her.

Death is peaceful, easy. Life is harder. It'd stop me having to endure this film any further.

01:42 She wants to live in the place she's hated for the entire film, the moral turn around! Tying loose fucking ends.

01:43 I can't carry on, why does this continue!

I guess we're close to the end now anyway...Thank god.

01:44 Bad sweeping shot.

Jedward and the 70s detective, could be a sitcom. Alice's legs would look better in that dress, maybe I'd compromise if she bit her lip.

01:45 Oh god, prom!

01:47 She isn't limping very well...Oh, hey Anna.

01:48 Wait, is she wearing converses with that dress?! What the fuck. Oh god, more moral things.

01:49 KILL HER! For fuck's sake.

01:51 Please let this be the closing monologue...Oh look, a stalker! Why did it go black and white?! Oh thank god, credits.

01:53 Oh cool, we get to see the actors who played minor characters too!

Well, I actually made it! I don't really think I need a closing statement, other than the fact that New Moon is showing on Friday. So I guess I'll inevitably have to carry on then...

(Please, please kill me).