The next step.

I'm going to ignore the holidays, the last weekend was fun, albeit incredibly unlucky: got my phone nicked, had the worst luck in poker ever (which seems to have carried on) and bought a headset, unknowing that a fucking book shop was doing them for fucking half price (yes, I'm angry). But I went to a games expo, which was cool (to the geeky side of me, bloody scary to the rest :P) and I played pool and stuff (like a true slacker). I'd show you pictures I took on my phone, but for obvious reasons I won't be.

So, what's the next step? Truth is I don't know, I can either step back into darkness and pretend I still had everything I had back in August or finally step forward into September. Two people I used to call my best friends have slipped into that old friendship where I'll never, ever see them again, except for that occasional off chance sighting, followed by an awkward conversation (due to my fucked social skills) and probably end up making my friendship worse in the end. All I can hope is that they'll carry on reading this blog and keep up with everything.

So, I take the step, try to impress a completely new group of people, half of which really don't seem to be taking a shine to me. I can't give up, that group's all I really have in terms of friends. I don't know, maybe what's left of my so called charm (I'm talking about friendish charm, not "ulterior motive" charm) is getting through, and they just have amazing poker faces, who knows. Maybe they need to read this. I tend to have visions of people spreading the word about this very blog to other friends of mine behind my back (it won't catch on).

The thing is, I have no idea how many of you read this anymore. I used to speak to the majority of my readers, now I don't I know that ONE of my friends I don't speak to very often anymore reads it and that MAYBE someone else still brings themselves to read the very blog that wrecked their friendship with me, but apart from that, who knows? Yes, James and Eleanor, my two bestest, bestest friends obviously read it. I'm not sure about various other people because they just seem so busy nowadays (with work, school work or their very important social engagements). I never talk to them anymore, it's ridiculous. All I can say to whoever's out there is "stick with it", it's one of the only connections I have to most of you.

Life and Times

Well, it's the name of the blog...and I've not really been focusing on my life lately. Time to bring you up to date.

First weeks of school are always really hectic, I didn't expect some kind of exception for sixth form. But there aren't normally as many pros, maybe it's because I have some kind of new positive mentality or something. Anyway, I've been hanging around new people, and it's been fun, I've not been bastardly antisocial about it. Although i've not enjoyed being taught by a few of my teachers in the past, I believe that I have a good variety of teachers so I can work to the best of my ability for all of them.

There hasn't been a top 5 songs this week, simply because I've not had time to listen to music ): But the good side of finishing my top 100 music videos is that I can post random videos whenever I please now (:

Also, I've started labelling my blog lately, I thought it was something that needed to be done. I'm also going to give it a makeover sometime after my 100th post (only three posts to go now!). Speaking of my 100th post, I've finally figured out how to celebrate it, more about that in the future (three posts from now to be exact :p).

I should be going out tomorrow (thank god) to see Emma. It is her birthday after all. It should be good.

So yeah, there you go, you're back up to date on the life of times of Adam.

All good things come to an end

Well, today is officially the last day of holiday, and I must say, it's been something.

Things haven't always gone smoothly for me during the holidays, and I've not let many people forget it. This one was different, simply in the sense that things actually happened.

I should probably start by saying that I lost a hell of a lot of friends (or should I say "friends"). The liars, the people who just knew me for a joke. That aside, I gained another best friend. That doesn't sound very important, but trust me, it's VERY hard to fully gain my trust in everything. To be honest, I think they're just as surprised as I am...in a good way of course.

But unfortunately, all good things come to an end. Most of my friends are here, but that doesn't mean I wont be missing seeing those that have gone to college and have jobs and everything. I have no idea how September will play out, that's how it is. I trust people to sort things out by themselves, I mean, a lot of people just drifted over the holidays but I just put that down to expired friendships. We'll see.

Omnia causa fiunt.

Progress

I have to admit, I feel like I've made a lot of progress in the last few months. I mean I used to be some paranoid, arrogant, worrier. Now I'm barely ever paranoid, I don't really worry much anymore (by following the "if it happens, it happens" law) and OK, I'm still kinda arrogant...

Until very lately, I used to be a bit of a worrier about relationships. Recent events have caused me to be pretty laid back about them though. I'd much rather wait for someone who's sure about me than someone who lies.

My fears used to be pretty bad, spiders and heights. However, about a month back, a made a step forward in my fight against heights, at the top of a climbing frame. All I did was look down and decide that all I had to do was trust myself, and I did. I'm not sure how but this obviously effected my fear of spiders too. I mean, I actually had one hanging off of my hand the other day...

Another sign of progress: I decided to stop doing the Watford "fing" and start pronouncing the letters "th" properly. Took me a few weeks but I'm pretty much perfect at it now (:

I really don't know if my friends have noticed these changes in me at all. They must have noticed some change because my friendships seem to be much smoother now. Well, that's all I wanted to say. Ciao.

People and Me

Ok What was my first thing on the list exactly?

"I get attached to people too easily, yet I don't really feel close to them."

Right, it's true. I get comfortable with the people I talk to on a regular basis and if I stop talking to them on a regular basis then I really feel like something's missing. However, I don't feel close to many people. There are times when I'm irritated easily by my friends and I often question whether I can trust a lot of them.

For instance, if I get on well with a "local" friend over the internet but don't see them often in person, I wonder if they really like me or not. There are few people I trust 100% (and one of them's on holiday). As a result of this I quite often feel lonely, I'm getting better, I used to be SO much worse.

So yeah, now you know something new about me. Maybe if you wanna "get involved" you could probably help it! Fun fun fun. Next time shall be more cheerful, I promise.

Why we should rename this blog "Adam's Depressing Thoughts"

Last night brought back ALL of my paranoia about losing people, not even madina lake can stop it now, I'm beginning to doubt my friendships with people more than ever, especially those that wont be forced to go to the same school as me next year.

I guess i can get away with posting this because barely anyone reads this anymore (no one's commented in like, three weeks), and well, last night was the first time i really doubted a few of my friendships, maybe i just overestimated people, maybe it's just me, maybe i'm just being paranoid again. I guess we'll have to find out.

I also learnt that i took a few friendships for granted too, and as much as i want to fix that, i'm probably going to lose them too.

I know i'm safe with everyone who's staying on next year, and i'm really grateful for that. But i'm scared of losing a few people, and it is only a few. What do i do?